*Some spoilers may be present, be warned*
In honor of this week's Gathering of the Juggalo's in Illinois (which I'm not going to), here's a review for Big Money Hustlas. This movie is sort an homage to those 70's pimp/detective blaxploitation films, except all the black people were replaced by Insane Clown Posse and their Juggalo friends. Since there are no black people (except Dolemite) to make this a blaxploitation film, then it's safe to say that this is one of the only "Juggalosploitation" movie of its kind. The next one will be sequel (or prequel so to speak?) Big Money Rustlas.
Big Money Hustlas stars, of course, Shaggy 2 Dope as our hero, Detective/Super-pimp Sugar Bear, and Violent J as our main villain, Big Baby Sweets. Instead of the rapping clown duo bringing joy to the world through violent and spiritual music, they are at odds with one another as Big Baby Sweets tries to make as much money (or "monaaaaay") as possible through crime, while Sugar Bear, a detective from Frisco Bay (it tried to eat my cell phone, it ran away"), tries to take him down. Both their performances and conflict are fun to watch and make this movie worth the watch. Big Baby Sweets speaks like a true crime lord asshole and Sugar Bear speaks in rhymes like how any detective in a pimp suit should speak. It should be noted that Violent J wrote the screenplay, yet he improvised most of lines. His motivation was quite easy, he wants that monaaaaaaay. It should also be noted that Shaggy and Violent J always have their signature make-up on the whole time. It is by no means a bad thing, it's Insane Clown Posse in their own movie and seeing them without their make-up anywhere would be a shame, even if they were interviewed by Bill O'Reilly (which they were). Also starring in Big Money Hustlas is Harland Williams (comedian and the Kindergarten teacher from "Half Baked") as Harry Cox, the only other good cop and complete pussy who hangs out the donut shop most of the time. There's also John G. Brennan (voice of Mort Goldman from "Family Guy") as the hard-ass chief who also wants to take down Big Baby Sweets. Other characters to mention are Rudy Ray Moore reprising his role as Dolemite, Mick Foley as Cactus Sac, The Misfits in a donut shop, and Twiztid as Big Baby Sweets' body guards.
Enough with the characters, on to the movie. It opens at a church with a preacher swindling people out of their money in name of Lord, while Sugar Bear recalls the events that happened. Then we cut to the antagonist, Big Baby Sweets, telling someone to pay up or they'll be cut. He is joined by the guys from Twiztid as his white suburban body guards and the gasmask wearing Hack Benjamin. The body-guards (whose names I forget) act like any white kid from the suburbs who ended up acting like something other their own race (that's juggalosploitation for you). Sugar Bear then rolls into town in his pimp car to meet The Chief. The Chief's real name is never mentioned, he is just The Chief. The Chief is a hard-ass who is reluctant to have Sugar Bear on the force come in, but angry that Big Baby Sweets is running the city and all his cops, except Harry Cox (Harland Williams), are corrupt. This looks like a job for Sugar Bear.
So Harry Cox (gotta say the whole thing) takes Sugar Bear to Donut Hut, where for no apparent reason, all of The Misfits are kicking back and eating donuts. That's what they pretty much do, they serve no other than to be in a donut shop eating donuts, it's just completely random. Sugar Bear is disappointed that all that Harry Cox and the cops do is eat donuts all day, so he really wants to take a stand. By the way, the guy serving donuts is wearing a with a donut hanging in the front. Then Ape Boy (played by Violent J), who is an armed robber dressed as an ape, comes in and starts taking donuts. Guys in monkey suits always make things interesting. Baby's Day Out may be a really bad movie, but no one can hate the guy in the monkey suit. Sugar Bear being Sugar Bear then beats his ass and DDT's him.
Big Baby Sweets comes back into play as he is having a meeting with the other crime lords of the city who all work for him and bring his monaaaaaaaaay. There's the jewel thief guy who overdresses, the corrupt priest, the big-titty slut queen, and the infomercial guy who manages to plug in one a discount juicer like he's hosting on the home shopping network. It turns out that his monaaaaaaaay is no good and he ends up dead. The infomercial guy kind of reminds of the Chopper from the Mazda dealership commercials. I know most of you don't get that reference, unless you live in the Las Vegas area and flip through the channels in the morning. Big Baby Sweets then notices that Ape Boy isn't at the meeting because he Sugar Bear dropped him on his so hard, that its impact traveled through time and made him want to commit crimes while dressed as a monkey (not really). This makes Big Baby Sweets angry, vowing that Sugar Bear will be dealt with because he didn't get his monaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Meanwhile, Sugar Bear goes to strip club where he develops a deep affection for a stripper named Phat Tittie Kittie. She really is a whole lot of woman. Leave it to Insane Clown Posse to teach us that fat women are people too and should get the most love. After Phat Tittie Kittie gets off stage, Sugar Bear wins her over with pizza (take note of that) and they make love that only a rapper in make-up and a stripper cow with Hostess Snowballs can make. While that happens, Big Baby Sweets reeks havoc on the time by showing stock footage of buildings falling down. That Big Baby Sweets is real nasty mothafucker.
Sugar Bear then gets a call about the destruction, so he goes to Big Baby Sweets house, 70's style with the Isaac Hayes like music, to take him down. Big Baby Sweets and his white boy suburb posse end up being questioned in the most harshest of tones. Big Baby Sweets tries to keep things cool and not answer to anything, while the whitest kids you know in the suburbs cry like the huge pussies. The law being the just and legal system it is, Big Baby Sweets gets released. Once Big Baby Sweets gets out, he comes up with his master plan of how to take out Sugar Bear. He uses magic to summon deadly mystical ninjas. The ninjas go where it'll really hurt Sugar Bear, by going after Big Tittie Kitty. While Sugar Bear is on his way to make more love to Big Tittie Kitty, the magical Mortal Kombat knock-off ninjas lure her out of her den with a trail of hot dogs and slice her. Sugar Bear finds her dead and then quits. He leaves the force by throwing his badge in a homeless guys money jar.
Weeks later (I think), Sugar Bear is down and out and hooked on crack. The Chief comes by to get him back on the case, but that doesn't work for him. Then Dolemite comes out of his own movie poster to give Sugar Bear some encouragement by telling he's useless cracka and should get in shape to take down Big Baby Sweets. For some reason, the director comes out and interrupts during that scene. Dolemite coming out of the poster to help might sound too mystical for a 70's detective homage movie, but ninjas have already been summoned, so all sense of realism doesn't matter at this point. So Dolemite and Sugar Bear go through a training montage so Sugar Bear can get back to being a detective again.
Once Sugar Bear gets over feeling sorry for himself, he and The Chief meet Dr. Dinglenut. Dr. Dinglenut has some weapons that will help Sugar Bear as he goes back to take down Big Baby Sweets and his ninjas. When it comes to mad scientists and their outrageous hair, this guy beats Doc Browns. Dr. Dinglenut's inventions includes a gun that can track ninjas, a whistle that'll incapacitate Hack Benjamin, and a device that'll take out the two white-boy suburbanites (whose names are Big Stank and Lil' Poot, just looked it up).
The funky Isaac Hayes-like music returns and Sugar Bear is at a warehouse. And for some reason, Harry Cox has been kidnapped and strapped to a chair. As the funky music plays, Sugar Bear takes out the ninjas, uses sound to take out the deaf guard, and takes out the suburbia dwellers with their worst fear. After freeing Harry Cox, Sugar Bear finds himself in a wrestling ring going up against Cactus Sac (Mick Foley). If you don't watch pro-wrestling (thank God if you don't), but don't know Mick Foley, he is a crazy and hairy hardcore wrestler who has had too many personas for one man to have in one wrestling career. He really kicks the crap out of Sugar Bear while trying to figure out exactly what persona he is in. Mick Foley is pretty much doing a parody of himself. He has Sugar Bear beaten badly, but Sugar Bear manages to get lucky by pulling out a sharp piece of wood and stabs Cactus Sac.
Big Baby Sweets comes out to once again see Sugar Bear face to face and compliment on his victory. Then out of nowhere, the least likely person to show up shoots Big Baby Sweets every time he opens his monaaaaaaaaaaay lined jacket. While nothing can come between Big Baby Sweets and his monaaaaaaaaaaaay, same thing with bullets. Cut to Sugar Bear, The Chief, and Dr. Dinglenut outside of an ambulance, where Sugar Bear wipes the face paint off Big Baby Sweets (blasphemy!!!!!) and we get the big reveal.
Incase you forgot, the movie is basically a flashback that Sugar Bear is having in the church, and the movie goes back to that particular moment. The preacher is still going on about getting money from the churchgoers, and then we get an awesome shoot-out featuring the whole cast. As the shoot-out goes on, the credits roll, bloopers are shown, and that's pretty the end.
The verdict on Big Money Hustlas? A good movie with some entertaining performances, as well as having language that any juggalo can appreciate. Even the soundtrack is provided by Insane Clown Posse. Yes, "Fuck the World" is played, but there are no words, so sing the words to yourself. Non-juggalo's might get a kick out of it, but even Insane Clown Posse probably does not expect anyone other their fans to watch and enjoy this. Of course, me being me, so bad it's good value comes out of it, which is a factor that just applies to me. If you're an Insane Clown Posse fan, or course you should check it out, you are a fan right? If you're not a fan, just give it a try anyway. Maybe you'll be a juggalo yourself when you're done watching. Even though being a juggalo requires you to just appreciate the music, there's no problem in going the extra distance.